trivard676
If there’s one thing that this holiday season is sorely needing, it’s a sense of impending doom. Nothing quite rounds out the year like the fear of not being able to see the next one due to some horrible catastrophe that in all likelihood will not happen, but might.
This time last year, we were all sitting around being thankful that the world didn’t end like people said it was going to. We don’t have that this year – but you know, it’s never too late to instill that end of the world type hysteria into the holidays, so here we go. End of days. Panic is just starting to spread into the streets and it’s not long before a walking corpse is sniffing under your door. Having procrastinated just long enough to find yourself waist deep in the zombie apocalypse (or alien invasion a la Mass Effect…or War of the Worlds, I guess) it’s time to turn to our lifelong hobby and perhaps the occasional television show for guidance on how to get us out of this one.
1. Pack light
Think about it logically. It doesn’t matter how prepared you are, it doesn’t matter if you can’t get anywhere. Pack too much and you will become ‘over encumbered.’ and you won’t be able to run. And running is something that you’re going to want to be able to do. Everything you will need should be able to fit neatly into your pockets. Or at least into a nice, if never seen extra pouch or briefcase. Anything that you don’t have with you from the start can be picked up along the way. Particularly right before you absolutely need to use it.
2. Guns are plentiful
By the time the dead are walking around, guns are going to be pretty hot items. But don’t worry if you don’t happen to have any handy, because you will more than likely find one randomly laying on the floor in a kitchen or something. Or maybe in your neighbour’s backyard, sitting innocently on a patio table. Bullets are easily found too. Generally one box per gigantic and otherwise empty crate, which there are also suddenly loads of.
This goes hand in hand with another valuable tip – break everything. Priceless vase? There might be supplies inside, or money, or some kind of post-apocalyptic equivalent – we come up with this stuff fast. The important thing is, make sure to break absolutely everything. Even if you can’t find anything valuable in it, you can use it to barricade windows – even if it’s otherwise pretty useless when broken. Just shove everything into your increasingly expanding pockets.
3. Melee weapons are far more effective
This should go without saying, really. That katana you purchased online that your significant other said was a waste of money? Imagine their shock when you swoop in to save their sorry behind when all of the guns have run out of ammo and the only thing you’re wielding is a blood-spattered blade of awesome. Good thing you bought it. Take that fiscal responsibility! You’re planning for the future!
4. Secret passages – they’re more common than you think
You may not know this, but there are secret passages everywhere. They allow you to quickly and easily get to places without being detected by the dead. Or in the non-video game world, your boss. Sometimes you’ll wind up in a storage closet, other times you’ll find yourself in the catacombs underneath the museum, or in a secret underground lab after stepping out into the back room for a quick smoke. Secret passages get you where you need to go, fast and because they’re secret, they’re relatively safe.
5. No training? No problem
Okay, so maybe not all of us are gun enthusiasts. Or weapons enthusiasts at all. Or even particularly physically fit. You know what? Not a problem. The apocalypse is apparently a re-roll of all of your stats. Hey, it worked for Hawk in The Stand, didn’t it?
6. Other people cannot be trusted
You might think that finding other people is a good idea, but as soon as it all hits the fan, you‘re on your own out there. People will try to be your friend, they’ll stick with you for a while and lull you into a false sense of security, next thing you know they’re trying to eat you. The seemingly benevolent leader of a little safe community in the desolate wasteland of carnage? You sure as hell can’t trust that guy. Don’t trust anyone! Unless it’s a sweet little girl who gives you a hammer so you can kill her undead babysitter with it. We’re pretty sure she’s cool.
Actually, our studies have shown that only one other person will be actually be trustworthy. They will help you solve puzzles and open oddly designed doors in which two people need to press a button at the same time to open. You’d be surprised how often that comes up in everyday life.
7. Your Odds of Survival
Let’s be realistic – the thing that makes the apocalypse work is that…not everybody comes out on the other side. But what about you? What are your odds of getting through this? Unless you happen to be taken out by a cheap shot that you totally should have seen coming (why didn’t you?!) your odds of making it through to the new world are pretty damned good. Just be sure to keep an eye out for first aid kits – they contain everything you will ever need to survive any serious wound that would otherwise kill you. This goes hand in hand with that training thing we talked about earlier.
Everyone else around you will die horrifically though. Probably right in front of you. Just so you’re mentally prepared.
8. What is THAT?
So let’s say the sky opens up and aliens start poking their head into our atmosphere. They probe a couple of people, take a few of us (who are never seen or heard from again) up to their ship. Or everyone in your town starts getting unusually seriously and/or violently ill and you’re certain that they will turn into zombies. Don’t panic. We’d like to think by now with all of your expertise, you know what a zombie is and exactly what it takes to get rid of them. Just…you know, wait until they actually turn before you start doing that. We cannot stress that enough.
Is there something that we missed? Share your best (even if not totally accurate) tip in the comments section. We don’t want anyone to be caught off guard, especially with the holiday season now upon us. Who knows, you might just need this information someday.
